Today is everything.

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There are few more unpleasant things than having no control in a situation. I always like to be one step ahead, but  life is funny in the way that it can change in an instant. One minute you think you have it figured out and the next you’re clueless wondering what the fuck happened?!?!?! I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on that the last couple weeks and today it is weighing heavy on my heart.

People used to tell me that I was  impulsive. That idea is really odd to me because I can barely remember the times when I used to haphazardly make decisions. I am worrier. I have tried to relax and stop being so worried about whatever. But then I am reminded that it’s still something I am struggling with.

The thing is it doesn’t matter if I worry or not. Things happen. And when something that was no where near my worry radar happens, I have found myself regretting not enjoying the moments that have passed. I realize I missed making the most of certain situations. And there is no going back. No reliving those moments that made me really happy. Just perspective. That’s all I got.

So, once again, I reset. “Learn from yesterday. Live for today. Hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to stop questioning.” Albert Einstein

I really need to keep that in mind. It is so cliche, but nothing is guaranteed tomorrow. So, today I begin again. I will count all my blessings because even with my heavy heart I have many. I will write to sort and soothe my feelings. I will run to calm my soul (it’s ironic how much I hate running, but I always cling it to when push comes to shove.). And I will not worry about what’s to come. I will see what is waiting for me tomorrow. Today is everything I have.

A Little Bit of Sacrifice Brings Much More Rewards

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It looks like I took another little hiatus. Sometimes, I don’t even know where the time goes. I last left you with my journey to happiness, self love and acceptance, and all of those warm and fuzzy things. I am happy to report that I have been fairly successful in that endeavor. I have embarked on a few new adventures which have been scary, but ultimately rewarding. I took a big girl step and moved into my very own apartment. It is the first time I have ever truly been on my own (in the sense of living arrangements anyway). I was worried about being on my own. I thought I would be too poor to have any fun, I would be too lonely, bored, and I would regret it. But I knew it was time. I was kind of over the roommate thing (I loved my newly married roomies, but I knew it would be impossible to find new roommates that I would get along with so well). So, I decided to just go for it and it turns out I love it. I highly recommend you try it if you ever get the chance!  I’ve learned how much I enjoy my own company (I know that sounds odd, but really!!).  It has made me be more at peace with myself than I have ever been. I also decided to break a few of my rules and that led to the beginning of a new relationship. Sometimes when something  feels right, you just have to give it a chance (and rules are meant to broken, right?!). It has been a long…long time since I have opened myself up to someone like I have with him and it has been really hard and quite scary, but well worth it. He is absolutely amazing and I can’t imagine being treated any better. It’s all still very new and honeymoon stage and I have no idea what will happen, but I think that’s part of what makes it’s so fun. And I am enjoying every moment I spend getting to know him.

Things are looking pretty good for me, right?! I think so! But with any journey…it has it’s ups and it’s downs. There a lot of great things happening, but something was creeping up that wasn’t making me feel a little unhappy. I started noticing that I was feeling tired and sluggish, my eczema  was flaring up, and my self diagnosed IBS (I refuse to go to the doctor, unless I have to) was becoming unbearable . My clothes were starting to fit a little too snug and I just wasn’t feeling like myself. My current job is much more sedentary than my last, my nutrition had declined drastically, and my exercise regime followed right in line. Add in being in a new relationship and eating out a lot, they were all sabotaging a healthier lifestyle. I stepped on the scale and staring back was an UGLY (yikes, that was a depressing moment!!). I know it’s not all about the number on the scale, but holy moly….NOT GOOD.  Some people thought I was crazy when I would say I wanted to diet. But I was definitely starting to dislike what I saw in the mirror and it was so much more than that. I didn’t feel healthy and it was time for a change.

I had done things in the past that really worked for me, but I was finding I just couldn’t quite commit to any of them like I used to. Those things obviously weren’t sticking long term either, so now what? I’ve never liked killing myself in the gym five days a week, counting calories, or depriving myself of the things I love. When I go out, I want indulge in a few glasses of wine or a couple beers. I love baking and I want to eat it ALL!!! I want to devour a delicious burger or steak every now and then. I want to curl up on the couch and enjoy some Ben n Jerry’s without feeling like I need to put in that extra hour of cardio tomorrow. But I also don’t want to load up on crap. I love being active, but I do not want to be a gym rat. I am far too busy and there’s too much life to live! So what’s a girl to do? All those hash tags and pins were telling me I need to workout all the time and I need to eat all this “healthy” food.

My sister introduced me to the The Plan. She was going to do it and invited me to give a go with her. The Plan is a twenty day program. It includes a three day cleanse and then seventeen days of testing different foods to see how they interact with your body.  Certain foods cause inflammatory responses in your body which cause you to gain weight and aggravate diseases  like eczema, arthritis, and Crohn’s disease. After that twenty days is over you take what you’ve learned and incorporate your friendly foods in to your diet and test your favorite foods. I was like, it’s going to help clear up my eczema and I am going to lose weight? Sign me up!

Anything worth having always requires some work. I wasn’t looking forward to the cleanse portion. I had to give up salt, coffee, and sweets. Those are some of my favorite things!! I also had to eat some food that I was less than thrilled about. It was really hard and I struggled with cravings big time the first couple of days. Properly hydrating myself has me running to the restroom about twelve billion times a day. I have to cook every day (I may love to bake, but cooking is more of a chore). More cooking means more dishes, which is just lovely. However, I am now 6 days in and loving it. It is a structured plan that I can follow to help keep me focused and on track. I have had to make some adjustments because I don’t have an 8-5 job, but I am still reaping the benefits. I finally have more energy, no more cravings, got some of my favorite things back, and my eczema and “IBS” are improving. Did I forget something? Oh yeah, I am also losing weight!

The Plan has brought back my love of vegetables and has some amazingly delicious recipes that I probably would have never tried. It’s taught me that some of the habits I thought were healthy are actually detrimental to my efforts to be and remain healthy. And so far, it has confirmed some of my suspicions about exercise and eating. I still have quite a ways to go, but I have already learned quite a bit and am looking forward to what is to come. A big thank you and shout out to my sister who is a few steps ahead of me and keeping me motivated with her progress!! I am constantly reminded what an impact we have on our own happiness. It is so easy to become complacent and be comfortably miserable or unhappy. With a little work, change is right around the corner!

Today, I choose to be happy

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There is one thing I have struggled with my entire life. I cling to my shortcomings and hold on to my mistakes. All this does is cause me to walk around with this little ominous black cloud lingering over my head. (Some days that cloud is a little bigger than others.) There are moments where I feel like am just waiting for the down pour. The next time I will mess up. The next person I will disappoint. The next time I will say the wrong thing. I have literally bent over backwards at times to be the perfect daughter…friend…employee…girlfriend…sibling…whatever it may be. Quite frankly, it was exhausting and made me miserable. Not to mention, that I don’t think anyone, besides myself put those expectations on me. It isn’t healthy. I am not perfect. And there is nothing that makes me happier than simply just being me. Real, authentic, imperfect, loud, sometimes insensitive and impulsive me. Am I saying forget the past and the mistakes I have made? Absolutely not, but I am definitely coming around to the idea that I need to embrace that I am not my mistakes. I need to learn to let go of the past, without forgetting the lessons I have learned. There are more things than I’d care to admit that I wish I could undo and it would have made my life a hell of a lot easier. (Really though, easy? That’s definitely not my style.) But those things are a part of my path, my journey and have helped mold me into the woman I am. (Don’t worry mom and dad…you get most of the credit!) A woman who I am proud to be.(Most of the time.) I now realize that yes, I have made mistakes and I am going to make more. (Fingers crossed they will be fewer and further between). I vow to remember what I have learned and to be more humble. Those times when I do stumble because of that little thing we call being human; I will be mature and gracious. (Well, I certainly will try.) Accepting responsibility and the consequences of my mistakes heals, strengthens, and helps me move on. That is healthy and makes me happy.  I can’t get enough that. So today, I choose to be happy because I am not my mistakes. 🙂

Keep Calm and Carry on

Well, it looks like I’ve been away for awhile! My how the time flies when you’re busy living life!! I have boldly declared that this is MY YEAR!! And as it turns out, this year has not only been surpassing my expectations, but delivering the same to many of my loved ones. New beginnings, adventures, and additions manifesting from hopes and wishes. This year we have truly been blessed.

I became an aunt for the fourth time. However, this is the first time I have been able to fully fulfill auntie duties! (I was much younger when my other loves were born.) The entire process of my sister’s pregnancy was just fun…plain and simple. My nephew couldn’t come soon enough and now he is here and growing faster than ever. (He would be that cute kid picture above.) The amount of joy that he has brought to my life is insurmountable to anything I could have imagined. ( I suppose that’s a small piece of motherhood that I will someday experience.) He is by far the best and cutest blessing this year. (You’ll have excuse me, proud auntie over here!)

I am currently enjoying a little unemployment time, as I am briefly between jobs. Let me just say…awesome! I have slaved away and worked my ass off for Starbucks for five years and eight months. (Not that I was counting or any thing.) I thought I’d be dancing out of that place, but I ended up leaving with mixed emotions. Don’t get me wrong I am beyond ecstatic to hang that green apron up for good. But with every demanding customer, boring coffee tasting, and constant annoying and inconvenient change the company has made over the years, came with a laugh or a bitch fest that forged some of the best friendships that a girl could have asked for. And for that, I am forever grateful for the time I spent there. I am so lucky to close that chapter having gained so much and to have the excitement of “moving forward” onto something new. “You know what I mean?” (Some of you will get it.)

There has been so many amazing things that have happened and so many more to come. (It’s not all sunshine and rainbows…there’s been some unpleasant things that have cropped up…but mind over matter right?!?)  I realized how great things are and then I also realized that I am turning twenty five in a few months. And I have accomplished absolutely nothing that I thought I would have by now. Dang, talk about a buzz kill, right?

At twenty, I was quite certain of how my life would be. I should be done with school. Nope. I should be married. Nope. I should own a house. Nope. I should be a mom. Nope. I should be financially stable. Nope. I should be upset about this situation, right? It turns out, I’m not. Five years ago, I didn’t realize how much I had to learn and how much growth and change I was to undergo. I can make all the plans I desire, but everything is in God’s timing and He will get me right where I need to be, when I am supposed to be there. I have learned to have faith, count my blessings (lucky for me there’s plenty) and just be happy. It so happens, it’s pretty easy!!

She’s Just Not That Into You

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The other night I was watching (well more like quoting) He’s Just Not That Into You for the millionth time. I haven’t read the book, but I absolutely love the movie! It kills me every time. Gigi is my favorite. She is the most loveable desperate hopeless romantic. She is obviously an extreme, but I think every girl can relate to her on some level. The movie and the book were a phenomenon. It seemed like every single girl was absorbing the book cover to cover to gain some insight on the dating world. How to read the confusing signals and when to accept that he’s just not that into you. However, from my experience in the dating world, it seems like its the guys who need the help identifying when she’s just not that into you.

I’m not saying I haven’t had my fair share of dating faux pas and frustrations, but these days I’m pretty good at identifying the ones that aren’t that into me. My problem is getting rid of the ones that I wish weren’t! I’m not the kind of girl that likes beating around the bush. I like to be direct and get to the point, but I’ve learned from a few past suitors that my “dumping” technique was too ummm insensitive. So, I’ve tried to embrace a more subtle approach to cluing guys into the fact that it is time to move on. After trading notes with a few girlfriends about how to more delicately handle the male ego (it’s so much more delicate than they will ever admit), I accumulated the knowledge of the “standard”  techniques  used to get rid of the stage 5 clingers and other undesirables. (some of these are universal.) She’s just not that into you if:

  1. The most obvious. If she’s not returning any of your 5 thousand calls or texts. (This I hardly ever do because I feel kind of bad about it. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, however, I probably wouldn’t keep trying to contact someone that was clearly ignoring me.)
  2. When you ask her when she is free and she answers with “ummm I don’t know. I am really busy”. (If I want to see you…I will make time and really no one is too busy for a meal…seriously.)
  3. If she never ever texts/calls you first. (I typically never text/call guys first even when I like them because I don’t want to come across too eager…but give it a a week or two…that will change. If it doesn’t welp…)
  4. If she is always making lunch dates with you. You are being put in the friend zone. (The best way to avoid the awkward mood setter at dinner when the lights dim in the restaurant and the opportunity for a good night kiss is to dine in the middle of the day.)
  5. If she doesn’t let you pay for her. (Of course, you always offer to pay when you’re on a first date to be polite, but if I want to be clear that we are not on date…I will insist that I pay for myself.)
  6. If you’ve been dating for over a month and she never brings up the R word ( you know…relationship or asks where you think things are going.) It is possible that she may be fine with how things are at the moment or she’s not really sure where she wants it be going. Look for other clues…there will most likely be others.
  7. She doesn’t ask any questions about you. (If I’m not asking you, than I don’t want to know.)
  8. If she doesn’t make eye contact with you. (If I am interested in what someone is saying I make eye contact, if I am uncomfortable…I will look every where except at you.)
  9. If she talks about other guys that she is interested in. (If I am interested in other guys at the same time and I like you…I’m not going to offer up that information. Not in the sense that I am trying to be sneaky, but be real…you don’t put all your eggs in one basket right away. If I’m not into you and you ask what I did last night, I’ll tell you all about my date.)
  10. If she always invites other people to hang out with you guys. (They are called buffers. They save you from having to be alone with someone.)

Ten simple obvious signs that she’s just not that into you. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to be obvious. I am not trying to promote playing games or being dishonest. There isn’t anything wrong with saying. “I just don’t see this going anywhere”, but it so much easier when you don’t have to. I think it’s a softer blow to the ego too and it makes the dating world seem a little less painful. There are some things that you can do to avoid becoming the guy she’s just not that into so quickly, but that’s for another day. 🙂

 

Being the bigger person

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Sometimes when you give someone an inch, they take a mile. Those of you who know me are aware that I usually have no problem standing up for myself or others, but I really try to pick my battles wisely. That task is a fairly simple one because I don’t take offense to much and I let a lot of things roll off my back. When I look at the big picture, it puts things into perspective and helps me differentiate the important battles from the trivial ones. I try to be the “bigger person” and rise above petty issues. But sometimes, when you ignore the little things people take advantage of that. They think because you ignore their inappropriate behavior once or twice that it gives them the right to continue. WRONG.

If you have an issue with someone there are appropriate ways to handle those feelings. Either talk to them to work out whatever the issues may be or put your feelings aside and behave in a civil manner. If you choose not to, it then becomes your burden. You do not have the right to treat that person disrespectfully because you are too childish to deal with the situation like an adult.

If you hadn’t guessed already, there is a particular situation that sparked this topic of interest today. I take partial responsibility for this person’s behavior because I have enabled it. At first, I let the behavior slide by because I felt guilty about the insensitive way I dealt with the situation that lead to his disdain for me in the first place. Then, when I did stand up for myself, it was immature backlash because all the things that I was attempting to ignore built up until I cracked and all that frustration came pouring out at once. And by then too much time had passed and animosity had built that my peaceful attempts to extend the olive branch were denied time after time; which brought me right back to attempting to ignore his behavior once again. Today, I cracked, but this time when I felt the vulgar insults about to burst out of my mouth, I held my tongue. Only to have the frustration come out in tears. I’m still losing.

The moral of the story. Don’t let situations compound into a huge mess. Being the bigger person isn’t always overlooking behaviors and situations to avoid an argument. Confrontation, although uncomfortable, is part of life. Confront the situation. Own your mistakes. Try to work it out. You can’t control anyone, but yourself. Take care of your end and move on. The rest is their problem.

What’s the big deal?

Valentine’s day. Yep, you know that little holiday that seems to get a whole lot of people’s panties in a bunch. What is the big deal? I have been in quite a few debates over this trivial holiday. My argument…who is it hurting? Answer… no one.  “But it’s a commercialized holiday created to sucker people into spending cash on meaningless gifts that have nothing to do with the real meaning of love!” Oh I’m sorry, I can’t hear your argument over all that money you squandered on gifts for your loved ones celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior. Didn’t have a problem doing that, did you? Next.

“There shouldn’t be just one day that you show your significant other what they mean to you.” True. However, life is busy and sometimes we take those in our lives for granted. What is wrong with a day that says, hey in case  you’ve let it fall by wayside, remember to tell that person how much better your life is with them in it! I mean look at this way, have you ever realized that you’ve forgotten to thank your mother for all the things she’s done for you….until mother’s day? Well I have and sometimes that little hallmark holiday is just the reminder I need. We aren’t talking big grand gestures, people. Just take another minute to show them they’re loved and appreciated. After all, they are, aren’t they? Besides, Adriana Lima said “Give and you shall receive!”  Are you really going to ignore her?!

And as for all the bitter singletons out there. “It’s just a day to remind single people how miserable and alone they are.” Well, guess what?  If you are miserable and alone…it’s probably because you’re choosing to be a negative Nancy! Get off your pity pot. Chances are if you look around at your life there are probably quite a few things to be happy about. Instead of spending the day feeling sorry for yourself…do something fun! I have spent the last few Valentine’s days “alone” and have made great memories with my single and happily taken friends alike. Don’t get me wrong… flowers would be greatly appreciated. But the point is, like with the rest of 364 days of the year…make the best of it!  It’s not going to kill you, I promise!